Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
by EWHH its Kenna
Summary: /SasuSaku/ A kiss a day, keeps the doctor away. 06. The Fire of My Loins (Pt. 1): "Maybe I'm just some nympho or something—Oh Gods, if I was a nympho, how could Sasuke ever love me?" Ino didn't know whether or not that was a rhetorical question; so, she decided it was best not to answer.
1. Take 1! Sweets!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO.**

* * *

**Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!**

* * *

**01. **Sweets

-

A sheepish grin was plastered onto the girl's face, while she watched the Uchiha throw his next kunai.

"Sasuke-kun."

A long pause drew until the sound of the kunai hitting the target emanated.

"Shut up."

The pink-haired teammate let a frown grace her plump, blood-red lips. "You don't have to be so mean about it..."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and didn't reply.

Wasn't it already enough that he was _allowing _her to accompany him.

The boy's head tilted to the slightest degree to see her face. A wide grin, like she was withholding a secret, graced her lips, her emerald eyes gleamed with a triumphant "I know something you don't know" look, and her nose flared with that "I'm not gonna tell you either" look.

Sasuke groaned and shot his hand out, receiving a peculiar glance from Sakura.

"Hmm?" She hummed with her lips pursed together.

Furrowing his brows, Sasuke gave her a peeved look. "Give me a kunai."

An hearty, un-ladylike snort escaped surpassed her throat. "You're kidding me, right?"

Sasuke sent a glare at her, but turned his head back towards the bulls-eye target. There was a moment of hesitation, but eventually Sasuke stalked up to the tree and pulled out the weapon.

"What are you here for then?" Sasuke had an annoyed tone in his voice.

"Hmph." Sakura scrunched her face in anger, "You're horrible."

The Uchiha feigned hurt.

"Jeez." Sakura sighed, "You make it sound like I have to have a reason to come visit you Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke scowled in disbelief, "Sakura."

"Yes, _my dearest_?"

"Hn." Sasuke grunted, rolling his eyes.

A giggle came from behind him, while she plucked the kunai from his hand.

"_Sakura_." Sasuke hissed in annoyance, "Stop bothering me."

Sakura lipped his words.

A sigh then followed, "You need new lines, sweetie pie."

Sasuke glowered and concocted a horrifying glare. "_Shut up_."

Sakura flicked the kunai at the target. Horror filled her eyes when she saw the kunai falter and tumble gracelessly to the ground. A squeak of annoyance was withdrawn and she pursed her lips. She was about to make a comment for the Uchiha not to say a word, but it was too late.

"You suck."

...

...

"_Excuse me?_"

"Are you deaf?" Sasuke scoffed, a smug smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Y-YOU..."

Sasuke raised his brow, waiting for her to finish her sentence.

"...SUCK."

The Uchiha sighed and walked past her to retrieve the kunai off the grass. "And you said _I _needed new lines, _darling_." Sasuke dryly replied.

Sakura ignored his comment and watched the raven-haired boy twirl a kunai on his finger.

"Sasuke-kun."

There wasn't any reply, so Sakura didn't go on.

No.

He wouldn't give into her—

(treacherous. weak. heinous. disgusting. sly.)

—tricks.

But, you know what?

His teammate was more annoying when she _wasn't _speaking, than when she was.

"What?" Sasuke deadpanned.

The girl's features brightened up within seconds, a dazzling smile, complimented with her shining, emerald eyes and pale, pink hair.

"It's a secret." Sakura giggled.

Sasuke's body strode slowly, and swiftly, in her direction. An unreadable expression remained on his face, while his eyes kept their mysterious, obsidian glow. His raven locks were tumbling awkwardly across his face, almost covering all of his forehead.

"Tell me,_ now_."

Sakura backed up with each step Sasuke took.

A soft, surprised shriek escaped her mouth as she felt the hard, wooden bark of the tree against her back. The boy had already cornered her to where there was no escape.

She would be damned if she let it slip.

_Hell._

She was gonna be a martyr, just out of spite.

Sasuke was now bent down—

(resembling that of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.)

—and his face was merely inches away from her own.

"Say it."

Sasuke frowned in disapproval, his body continuing to hover over hers. She held a furious blush upon her cheeks, feeling his broad chest rising against her, when he took in a deep breath.

Sasuke sighed, "No."

Nope.

He would give into her—

(childish. immature. ridiculous. stupid. totally not funny.)

—antics.

Nada. No way. Zilch.

"Fine." Sakura grinned, "I won't tell you."

Sakura strode under the arm that was above her head, stomping off in the opposite direction of the Uchiha.

Behind her, however, she knew it.

She could sense that arrogant boy smirking at her, with the slightest possibility of a small chuckle.

Sakura grimaced and didn't turn around, her direction:

The Ice Cream Parlor—

_WAIT!_

There was a pause in her stampeding movement, quickly she spun on her right heel facing the Uchiha.

"I'll just go spent time with my darling, lovely, scrumptious and delectable Itachi..." She left a pause filter in between her finish syllable, wanting the dramatic emphasis to sink into that Uchiha's FAT—

(Yeah. Utterly FAT and big...and pretty.)

—head.

"..._KUN_!" She screamed with a feral—no, indescribably insane smile on her face.

A moment and the words sank in.

...

Oh.

...

...

_Oh!_

Scowling, Sasuke stalked after her.

**Tch. **_Women._

* * *

An _extremely _annoyed sigh escaped from his lips, while the Uchiha stuck a handful of money on the counter next to the cashier.

"Here." Sasuke muttered, turning around to go back to the table.

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun." Sakura grinned, hugging him by his side.

Sasuke didn't want to push her too hard—

(with that obvious god-like strength)

—so instead of prying her off, he just slowly poked her by the shoulder until he was saved by the ice cream man.

_Thank you. _He silently praised the man, who had handed her the ice cream.

"Hn." Sasuke grunted.

OK. Well, he was praising him, _until_ that old man's fingers brushed against Sakura's hand.

In a petulant manner, Sasuke scowled and grabbed Sakura's other hand leading her to the furthest table. "Hurry up." Sasuke demanded, stopping at the table and crossing his arms.

"Are you seriously going to stand there and watch me eat?" Sakura asked, bemused.

"Hn." Sasuke reverted back to his sedate manner and chose not go bother with an actual (rhetorical) answer.

Her tongue slipped out and took a slow lick of her ice cream.

"Maybe I'll just take forever, so stop staring that blatantly at me." Sakura hissed, the hand that wasn't holding the ice cream cone pointed to the chair opposite of her.

Sasuke ignored her.

Like hell he was going to sit there if she told him.

"Fine." Sakura shrugged, "Stand up and get tired for all I care."

Sasuke inwardly cursed—

(she was telling him to stand up now.)

—and sat down, "Whatever." Sasuke said, his eyes narrowed and lips frowning in her direction.

"What?!" Sakura asked, paranoid.

Sasuke smirked and mimicked sarcastically, "Nothing."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you liked me." Sakura grinned her eyes squinted when she began laughing.

A long silence filtered between the two.

"Good thing you_ don't_ know any better."

"Hmph."

Sasuke closed his eyes for the slightest moment, clearing his eyes. However, his eyes shot open when he felt something cold placed directly on his lips. Knitting his eyebrows together, while depressions formed on his forehead, Sasuke scowled at the girl in front of him.

"Sakura."

"Ice cream is good for the soul." Sakura announced.

"I _hate _sweets."

"It shows with that personality of yours." Sakura sneered, "We all know you need a soul anyways, so _eat it_."

Sasuke let out a sarcastic chuckle to annoy her, but was deterred when more strawberry flavored ice cream seeped between his clenched teeth. Sasuke's hand shot out and grabbed the ice cream from her's, holding it out of her reach, Sasuke then followed by grabbing the closest napkin and futilely spat the sweet flavor out.

Little success.

Standing up, the Uchiha began walking to the trash can.

Sakura gasped, "NO!"

"Oh, yes." Sasuke growled in pure sadism.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura cried, "I'm sorry—DON'T—NO!"

The boy was inching closer to the red topped trash can, a pink headed girl lunging at him.

Pink flew everywhere.

Sasuke didn't know whether he wanted to know what it was.

It was either her hair or the either cream that was all over him.

And he swore, it was gonna be the latter.

_Bingo_.

Sakura's weight was on top of his body, pressing her weight down on the Uchiha. "YOU SUCK!" Sakura screamed, tears forming at the corner of her eyes. Her hands trembled and her breathing stopped, the ice cream cone was crumbled and splattered all over the ground, on her, and on the boy.

"_Shut. Up_." Sasuke mustered through his tightening teeth, his jaw clenching in pure annoyance.

What had he done to deserve this?

_He bought her ice cream._

_He put up with her day to day._

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura breathed into his blue—and smeared pink, courtesy a la Sakura—shirt.

_He (unwillingly) comforted her fall._

She punched his chest, "YOU STUPID, PRETTY—"

_He let her call him PRETTY._

Sasuke's lips captured hers.

She _owed _him.

A furious blush plastered on Sakura's cheeks when Sasuke's tongue ran against her bottom lip. Her body melted and sunk onto the body below her, Sasuke's left elbow keeping him stable.

The Uchiha then took his right hand and trailed up her cheek, past her ear, until it finally reached the top of her pink locks. The cold feeling of his hand against her warm skin, caused her to shudder. His hand finally swooned downwards, bringing her head closer to his, deepening the kiss.

Sakura let the smallest moan escape from the bottom of her throat, her hands beginning to tangle in his raven locks.

She daringly let her tongue slip into his mouth for the shortest moment.

(Then and there:)

Sasuke decided, that maybe there were some sweets that could be an exception.

"_Excuse me._" A voice hissed from above, "Will you please continue this...THIS—_ehem_—somewhere else?"

Sakura's lips escaped from Sasuke's for the shortest moment, ready to reply; however, the Uchiha growled and reclaimed them nanoseconds later.

"This is a _child's _place!" The cashier hissed, pointing at several kids who were waiting in line behind the counter, horrified with their mouths agape.

The Uchiha's eyes raised the slightest to meet with the cashier's hazel ones, a grunt and dour expression on his face.

"Hn."

Slowly, Sasuke lifted Sakura up and he followed.

Turning to the kids, who were now blatantly staring at him, wide-eyed. The Uchiha gave the queerest expression and soon enough, it turned dour.

"Keep staring, I _dare y_ou." Sasuke hissed.

Sakura gaped and smacked the boy on the top of his head, "Sasuke-kun!"

Gripping Sakura by the waist, Sasuke stalked out of the store—trying to ignore the many weird and traumatized expressions he was receiving. A second thought ran across his mind, while he tilted his head to the slightest degree, facing the children.

"It's _much _better than ice cream."

* * *

**Reviews make me write! (:**

_-Accepting Prompts._

XUchihaSakuraX


	2. Take 2! The Enchanted Pineapple!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO.**

* * *

**Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!**

* * *

**02. **The Enchanted Pineapple.

-

"If you put pineapple in my food, Sakura, you _will_ regret it." He warned her, looking her directly in the eyes.

All she did was smile and wave it off, an inconspicuous plan forming in her brain.

"You know I love you Sasuke-kun," Sakura grinned, "I would _never _do anything to compromise your insular behavior towards delectable foods!"

He eyed her with pure disbelief.

-

"_No_."

She wrinkled her nose in disgust at him. She really didn't think _pineapple _could have such an effect on the Uchiha. But, lo and behold, he was standing in front of her with only his boxers on.

A hungry expression in his eyes.

The usual Uchiha composure that he typically carried was lost when he took a bite of the forbidden fruit.

He stalked up to her, one foot in front of another. Sakura, in return, took a step back in sync with his footsteps. A grin was spreading across Sasuke's face and he couldn't help but stifle an awkward laugh, complete amusement in his tone.

A confused look ran across Sakura's face, but returned in horror once she realized what he had been laughing about. The moment she felt a hard surface press against her back, she knew she was cornered.

Trapped, while an Uchiha, high on pineapple, walked towards her.

Her eyes averted upwards, trying to keep her vision away from the flapping boxers.

She grimaced—this wasn't the least bit..._awkward_.

Within seconds, Sasuke had reached her. His lean figure hovered over her petite body.

Soon enough, he was slouched down, bringing his head closer to her's. The only thing that kept the distance between them was Sakura's right hand, placed against the top of chest.

"Sasuke-kun." Sakura hissed in a warning, wanting to smack him upside the head.

OK. So he did warn her about the whole pineapple thing, but couldn't he have been more _specific _on what exactly was going to happen?

His obsidian eyes were merely staring directly into hers, his tongue slipped out slowly licking his bottom lip.

"Sakura..." Sasuke groaned, letting his voice trail. His amused smirk remained plastered on his lips, almost implying he knew what she was going to say next.

Sakura could try to apologize. "I...—"

She really _didn't_ know that feeding Sasuke pineapple would turn him into a sex-craving—

"Take off your pants." He breathed seductively, placing his hands on both sides of her waist.

—pervert.

Sakura squeaked, "I think I should take you to the hospital!"

A downwards quirk in his lip suggested that he didn't like the idea.

"Maybe, Tsunade-shishou will have an antido—OOMPH!" Sakura gasped when she felt his lips crash heavily against hers.

Sasuke grunted.

"I don't want to be cured. I want to be with you forever and ever and ever..." Sasuke paused for a moment to kiss her again and pull her even closer, "...and have wild, crazy, animal sex in a Kakashi's kitchen."

Sakura's hands that had previously fallen to her sides, quickly returned back up trying to pry him off.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura glowered, stomping her feet against the ground. She tilted her head sideways so her lips would slide off of his.

A scowl appeared on the said boy's face. She almost laughed at his resemblance to that of a three year old being denied a piece of candy. (Which of course, Sasuke didn't like.)

Sasuke nuzzled her neck.

"Sakura-chan."

Sakura was already panicking at his actions, but now, she seriously need to find that cure, _now_.

Sasuke just called her Sakura-_chan_.

"U-Um...Sasuke-kun." Sakura bit her lip in horror at seeing how pathetic he had become. Sasuke let an intense stare look into her eyes.

The moment she put her hands on top of his shoulders and returned the stare, his stomach lurched with butterflies.

_Butterflies_.

"Listen to me."

The Uchiha nodded, his eyes intent on her blood-red, bruised (courtesy a la Sasuke) lips.

"I want you to come with me."

He let out a howl of laughter and a sheepish grin appeared on his face, "You want me to _cum _with you?"

"W-What?" Sakura asked, realizing that the tables had turned on her.

_Oh..._

...

"Sasuke-kun..."

_Oh!_

"—YOU PERVERT!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, whacking him on the crown of his head.

Sasuke scowled at her for her brute force and followed with his infamous glare. Sakura almost got her hopes up that Sasuke had returned to his normal, angry-at-the-world, I'm-going-to-kill-you composure...—

"Sakura-chaaaaan."

—Nevermind.

He whined and pressed his hand firmly against the forming bump. "That was _mean_!"

"SASUKE-KUN UCHIHA!" Sakura yelled, as she scrambled under his arm and out of his hold. She then paced from side to side, musing on multiple cures.

After a few (dreaded) minutes of her futile thoughts, she lugged her body to the kitchen in desperation.

"IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS NONSENSE, I'LL..."

A long pause greeted her.

Well, she didn't exactly know how to threaten an _Uchiha_.

Ergo, instead of finishing her sentence, she began to rifle through all the cabinets she could reach.

"Is there even a cure for pineapples that have the ability to chemically imbalance the consumer's hormones?"

Probably, _not_.

Emerald eyes caught a lustrous, red object sitting at the very top shelf. Begrudgingly, she automatically stood on her tip-toes trying to reach it.

Little success.

Her fingers managed to come closer, but she still have several inches that separated her from it.

"What would you do?" Sasuke's velvet-like tone breathed, referring to her previous threat.

"I think," A malicious smile tugged at the corner of her lips, while she sang the next few words, "I'd start going out with Itachi." Sakura continued her grin as she reached out to pat his head.

At first, she figured his reaction was going to be an all-out glare; however, she was shocked to see a feral grin appear on that pretty face of his.

"I didn't know you were so kinky, my beloved." Sasuke smiled—something Sasuke totally should _not _do when he eats pineapple. "A threesome is rather tempting..." He mused to himself.

Lucky for him, Sakura was too frustrated with him after his first sentence to bother listening to the rest.

She felt his cool hands press against her hips. A frown had appeared on her lips, until she noticed that the item she had been trying to reach was coming closer. Letting a soft sigh muster its way out from between her lips, she stretched out her arms towards the red object.

"My darling...cherry blossom...—_Sweetie pie_!" Sasuke exclaimed merrily, his warm breath made its way to the shell of her ear.

Closing her eyes to calm her nerves, she would remind herself that he hadn't done anything too perverted—

His hands slipped up, bringing Sakura cascading down and his hands up to the curves of her ample breasts.

Sakura screamed and began trying to elbow the (shirtless) boy behind her. "LET ME GO!"

Pure rage was present.

She couldn't bring herself to care anymore if this really was Sasuke or not, he was _groping _her.

Groping.

When she had fallen, the object she had been reaching for tumbled down onto the top of her pale, pink hair, onto Sasuke's raven locks, and finally it gracelessly dropped to the tile flooring.

Simultaneously, while the red blur fell, Sakura had fallen backwards onto the (totally shirtless) Sasuke, which caused Sasuke to stumble to the ground as well.

(All thanks to oh-so-lovely, inertia.)

And, they had landed in a very _awkward _position.

Sakura's hands had fallen on top of a certain part of his anatomy—_ehem_—boxers. Sasuke's right hand held her head into the nape of his—_naked_—neck, which protected her from the fall. Her breasts were pressed against his—_naked_—torso and their—_naked-ish_—legs were sprawled with one another. His left elbow was stabilizing his and her weight, while a raised eyebrow was the only expression on his face.

A small, constrained laugh came from Sakura's lips, trying to break the uncomfortable silence.

Her emerald eyes slowly rose to see Sasuke's body shaking. Retrieving one of her hands from their position, she moved his toppled bangs that were plastered to his warm, pale skin.

"Sasuke-kun...?"

There was a nice smile plastered on his face and the faintest laugh escaping from the back of his throat.

Sasuke's hand reached out to her cheek, brushing out a few locks of pink. "Sakura..."

The most radiant smile appeared on the said girl's face.

"SASUKE-KUN!" She shouted with joy. The pink haired girl wrapped her arms around his neck and let her weight fall against his once again, causing him to stumble backwards.

It was Sasuke.

Her Sasuke-kun.

Once again, all hope was—

(mutilated. destroyed. ruined. dead. lost.)

"...-_chan_."

—when he muttered the honorific.

"NOOOOOO—!" Sakura screamed in despair. He _hadn't_ turned back to normal.

Sakura felt the grip he had on her constrict, which successfully enclosed any remaining gap between them. She growled against his lips the moment he crashed them upon hers.

That earned a cocky smirk.

Sakura furrowed her brow and thought.

Twisting the concept around, she let her hands slowly wrap around Sasuke's neck. Her fingers entwined with his black hair, tugging softly at the ends.

Sasuke grunted in apparent satisfaction, meanwhile deepening the kiss.

Moaning into his kiss, Sakura eagerly accepted the tongue that had brushed against her bottom lip. When she opened her mouth to let him in, she felt it shoot in like a pistol to begin its exploration.

She giggled into his mouth, the way he was doing it made it seem like he was trying to memorize every possibly spot inside her mouth.

Sasuke broke apart for the shortest moment, letting both of them greedily take in the air. However, to Sakura's dismay, he returned for another kiss earlier than expected.

She pulled away and pressed a finger against his thin lips.

"Wait, Sasuke-_kun_." She purred, slowly pushing him against the tile.

Sakura crawled over his body in a sultry manner, making sure to keep his eyes focused on her body. On all fours, she managed to make her way to the small tomato that had been centering the kitchen floor.

Quickly, the pink headed girl tilted her head around to check up on Sasuke. She grimaced when she saw him blatantly staring at the back of her skirt.

Bringing the tomato to her lips, she took a large bit and let it sit in her mouth. She followed the action by crawling back to the Uchiha, who without warning, pressed her against the bottom cabinet.

He placed his left hand on the back of her head, giving him the chance to shove his tongue deeper into her mouth than he did before. His right hand slowly moved to her thigh, eventually bringing it to straddle his body.

Sakura's eyes widen to the slightest degree when she felt his typical smirk play against her lips.

(Apparently he had retrieved the piece of tomato that was in her mouth.)

She spontaneously broke away from his lips.

The Uchiha blinked a few times, but Sakura couldn't see much else of a difference in his appearance. A pout was forming on her lips, while saline tears were ready to fall. She missed her always brooding, morose, egotistical, grouchy, rude Uchiha.

"Sasuke-kun..."

He just stared at her.

"...I'm sorry for secretly feeding you pineapple when you told me not to." She whispered, "I didn't think it would change you into some nice, perverted, lover boy."

"Sakura..." Was the response she received.

She pressed her forehead against his, a finger against his lips to keep him quiet, and her eyes avoiding his gaze.

"You aren't you." Sakura almost deadpanned, she didn't know whether that was a good enough explanation.

Sasuke gave her a peculiar look.

Sakura blinked a few times. Then another few times. Then several. Something in her chest was beginning to constrict, her body was feeling lighter than the air, and her mind was fogging. She shook her head, trying to clear whatever was overcoming her.

"Are you _high_?"

Sakura's head quirked and her emerald eyes pierced his onyx ones.

"Sasuke-kun?"

The Uchiha didn't respond, but continued to stare at her an _almost _worried expression set on his face.

An _almost _worried expression, because Sakura was sitting on his lap, her head tilted mere inches away from his, and he was in his boxers.

Sasuke. Clad. In. Only. Boxers.

"Sasuke-kuuuuun." Sakura purred, clicking her tongue at the very end of his suffix. A wide grin appeared on the pink-haired girl's face, her tongue slowly licked her bruised, bottom lip.

"What—HNN!"

Spontaneously, that constriction that had been welding in her chest had finally burst and her mind opaqued completely.

She pressed her lips against his, growling and shoving her tongue into his mouth.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun...—My darling...—_OH_!"

-

He narrowed his eyes.

She fed him pineapple, didn't she?

* * *

Prompts:

(Pineapple. -_Anonymous_)

("Wild, crazy, animal sex." Kakashi's kitchen. Butterflies. -Troy.)

(Tomato. Someone getting the other sick. "Take off your pants." -**Corey-Crayonssss**)

(Sasuke using an Innuendo. -**XSakuraUchiha1123X**)

**Reviews make me write! (:**

_-Accepting Prompts._

XUchihaSakuraX


	3. Take 3! Webcams, Porn, and Lingerie!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO.**

* * *

**Kiss! Kiss! K****iss!**

* * *

**03. **Webcams, Porn, and Lingerie

-

"Don't tempt me." He muttered under his breath. The Uchiha's eyes were narrowed as he stared with disbelief at the computer screen.

Her green eyes blinked confused, "Tempt you Sasuke-kun?" She asked and gave a light giggle, "Sasuke-kun, I have _no_ idea what you are referring to!"

His knuckles were turning white and his brows were slanted to the furthest degree. "Sakura..." His tone was holding a warning, but when it came to the pink-headed girl, he knew that even his deadliest glares and snide remarks wouldn't falter her composure.

Sakura, who was previously examining her chipped _(sliced niblets of sunset orange) _fingernail polish, shot her hand off the webcam's view, into a world unknown.

"Sakura." Sasuke repeated, apparent annoyance was present.

She gave a toothy grin, "Sasuke-kun, you seriously need to stop worrying." She stated, "I'm not a kid."

"You're eating..." His eyes scrunched, trying to examine the object further—but, the evidence flew into her mouth. "...Gummy bears?"

"Jelly babies." Sakura corrected, eventually adding a "_Duh_."

(it's not cannibalism.)

"You shouldn't be on these." He shrugged, rolling his eyes. "There are a bunch of perverts on the internet."

She nodded diligently, complete comprehension. "Like you!"

"Like...—_Go die_." Sasuke snidely mocked her, a frown of obvious disapproval was plastered on his thin lips and his onyx eyes were narrowed.

Sakura grinned. "I love you too, Sasuke-kun; but, I seriously need to start getting ready."

"You can change in front of the webcam." Sasuke noted, "I won't mind."

Sakura snorted, "Told you so."

Her fingers were playing with the hem of her shirt and she was slowly lifting up. Sasuke's eyes watched carefully as the shit was now rolling higher and higher—past her bellybutton, past—

The screen went black.

"What the _fuck_?!" Sasuke scowled, groaning and slamming his fist on the mahogany desk. Swiftly, he pushed away from the desk to get enough space to see if there were any cords that had gotten screwed up. He squinted in hopes of being able to see the colored cords in the pitch black area.

He heard the footsteps coming from behind him. "Sasuke, I seem to have tripped over some unknown cord called 'INTERNET'."

"Itachi..." Sasuke hissed, leaving the table and marching up to said brother. In one quick motion, he stole the cord from the electronically-handicapped man and walked to the computer. "...I _hate _you."

Itachi shrugged, "That's granted...—But, what isn't..." He pondered on how to put it, discussing such things with your sexually-handicapped brother is rather difficult. "...you're _straight_?"

Sasuke glowered. "Go fuck yourself."

Itachi either ignored his comment or didn't hear it, because he continued with his previous tangent. "I have to get you a new Christmas gift now..." He grimaced and brushed back some of his raven bangs that , "...you could have informed me of this earlier before I bought your gift."

"Go die."

"Anyways, you're not old enough to watch porn my little brother—especially, _child _porn. It's illegal, if you didn't know." Itachi lectured like every other good big-brother should do.

Sasuke choked. "I wasn't watching porn!"

"On the contrary, your computer can be hacked to all the televisions in this house _and _all the other computers."

And here, Sasuke premeditated Itachi being electronically-handicapped.

"It's _not _porn and she's _not _a child!"

"Oh wait...—That's right!" Itachi agreed. "She's _older _than you."

Sasuke growled and pushed past Itachi in a hurry.

_"_I'm leaving."

"Condoms, Sasuke. Condoms." Itachi muttered into his ear when the younger sibling passed by. "I don't want any baby Sasu-chans running around, especially pink-haired ones with Down Syndrome."

Sasuke slammed the door behind him.

(He could swear he heard the hinges break, entrapping his lovely brother inside the computer room.)

* * *

"You're late." She stated, her tone lathered with pure hate and disgust.

Sasuke glared at her. "Be happy that I'm even here."

"Oh, I _am_." She giggled, hooking her arm around his. "Come on, Victoria's Secret is about to close!"

He halted dead in his tracks before she could pull him along any further. "..._What_?"

"Victoria's Secret..? It's a lingerie store, you know, the stuff that girls (maybe...men..?) wear. Bra's, panties, garters, teddies, bustiers—"

"I'm not going in there." Sasuke stated with his _I'm-the-boss-because-I'm-the-man_ authority.

"And, you aren't allowed to buy nor wear that type of stuff."

"Do you think I'm _ugly_?"

Sasuke shook his head in frustration, "No...—Sakura... I don't care what persuasion or whining you're gonna try to do...—We're _not _going there."

"I bet your brother's bigger." Sakura thought aloud. "I mean really, he was the one who encouraged me to take you with me and help choose. So, he's not all sexually-handicapped. Ino told me every time you have sex, your..." Sakura paused, a surprisingly innocent blush appearing on her face, "...'_thing_' increases an inch."

Sasuke scoffed at the stupidity and insanity of the thought. "You really would trust Ino about sex?"

Sakura grumpily pouted, "Unlike you, she's not a virgin...—MMPH!"

Sasuke's lips were already pressed up against hers and Sakura gave a throaty growl. Before she could adjust to his surprising action, Sasuke had already removed his lips form her. "She's a slut." Sasuke shrugged. Snaking his arm around Sakura's petite waist, he began leading her away from the Victoria's Secret.

"Sasuke-kun, your such a hypocrite!" Sakura screamed, latching onto him and guiding him back to the lingerie store.

Before he could actually retort to what she said when a snide remark, she had beat him to it.

"If you don't take me lingerie shopping, I'll get Kakashi-sempai to."

A frown plastered onto Sasuke's thin lips and gave a scowl of disgust. "Like I care."

"Kakashi would have to help me change in the dressing rooms—Little ol' me surely can't do such things by myself." A malicious grin was appearing on Sakura's face. "So, seriously, Sasuke-kun. If you don't want to be a good Samaritan and help me change into fancy, lacey, drop dead gorgeous lingerie, then I WILL get someone else to."

She watched as Sasuke coughed into his hand, most likely trying to make his oh-so-hard decision.

"I'll gossip about how you and Naruto. You know, the Spin the Bottle experience...—Oh, Sasuke-kun, don't scowl like that. Do you know how ugly you would be if it got stuck like that? Yeah. It would be—" Sakura beamed. "Yeah, I actually do remember that. It's unforgettable. I can't forgive Naruto for being your first—"

"We're GOING to fucking Victoria's Secret and I'm GOING to get fucking laid tonight—"

"—...or this afternoon." Sakura suggested, hooking her arm around his and breaking out into a skip to her oh-so-lovely store. "I've always wondered what it would be like in a dressing room!" She giggled and squeezed Sasuke's—_ehem_.

"You've got a nice ass, did I ever mention that?"

* * *

Itachi sat there on the rolling chair with a frustrated expression plastered on his face.

"Damn. If he's not gay, I guess he won't want to practice with these lollipops." Itachi mused out-loud, throwing the bag of lollipops to the ground.

And here he thought he was going to help Sasuke improve on his relationship with Naruto.

So much for a Christmas gift.

"Unless...he's _bisexual_!"

That is, most definitely, the only _logical _explanation to why his little brother was out _lingerie shopping_ with a girl.

* * *

Prompts:

(Computer Problems. -**luv hate it**)

("You've got a nice ass, did I ever mention that?" -**Sammie Sadist**)

("Sasuke, your such a hypocrite!" Jelly babies. -**SkeleX**)

(Lollipops -**fairy246**)

("Don't tempt me." -_AaronLovely™_)

(Lingerie Shopping -**C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only**)

("Your brother's bigger." -**erinminna**)

**Reviews make me write! (:**

_-Accepting Prompts._

EWHH its Kenna


	4. Take 4! The Hairdresser Fetish!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO.**

* * *

**Kiss! Kiss! K****iss!**

* * *

**04. **The Hairdresser Fetish

-

"Dudeeee!" Sakura yawned, scratching the back of her head. "Last night was so freakin' _crazy_!"

Sasuke numbly nodded in agreement as he continued to reluctantly nurse his hangover. "Aa—" He paused mid-grunt when he saw Sakura stretching, her shirt lifting a little above her navel.

An awkward silence engulfed the room.

Sakura rose an elegant brow and smiled innocently. "Sasuke? Hey, Sasuke!" She waved her hand numerous times in front of his eyes, trying to wake him up from his strange trance. "What's wrong? Sasuke?"

"I must have gotten pretty drunk," He mused aloud, quirking his face in Sakura's direction—referring to the large hickey on Sakura's hip, "because I don't remember doing that."

Sakura gave the Uchiha a flustered expression and tried her best to hide an upcoming snicker.

Sakura shook her head and patted Sasuke on the head, "You didn't."

"W-What?" Sasuke yelled in disgust. "Who the _hell_ did that to you?!"

"It was Neji—wait, why?" Sakura asked, confused. "Hey, HEY!" Sakura screamed, going slap-happy with his shoulder. "Sit back down Sasuke, seriously. And, oh my God, Sasuke! Well, uh, jeez, I'm flattered actually, but...can you put that away?" Sakura gaped, pointing to his boxers.

A furious blush covered Sasuke's face. "I _hate _you." After he spun around to fix his _problem_, he then added, "_And_ Neji." Sasuke leaned over the coffee table, picking up a pair of alcohol-stained paints.

"Sasuke—come on. We were drunk—YOU were the one who dared him to!" Sakura screamed, flailing her hands in the air. "UGH! You're _so _obnoxious! Verbatim: 'Oh hey, Neji, I'm so manly and what-not. I dare you to touch her, DO IT...you won't.'—"

"Sakura." Sasuke said calmly as he began putting on the dirty pants.

"It doesn't matter, Sasuke. Stop worrying, _seriously_, you act like such a spoiled brat. It's not like I'd _leave _you for him, he's more feminine than me!" Sakura laughed. "He is a _hairdresser_, for Pete's sake!"

Sakura could still see Sasuke's frown growing.

"Aw, come on... Don't be like that. Smile, Sasuke!" Sakura demanded. Her hands rose until they were on her hips and she leaned her weight on her left foot, her lips formed into a pout. "Come _on_!"

Sasuke's expression held no change. "I don't smile."

"What do you want? Grapes? Strawberries—_Oh_, I want some. _Tomatoes_?" Sakura grabbed his hands, tugging him towards her. A mischievous grin appeared on her face, and her fingers began fumbling eagerly on his belt buckle.

"S-Sakura!" Sasuke hissed. "It's the middle of the _day_!"

Sasuke's ears perked when he heard a zipper being dragged. Simultaneously, while Sakura was using her left hand to tug at his pants, she yanked down on his loose red tie, bringing him into a hungry kiss. Sasuke growled, eagerly accepting her offer by shoving his tongue into her mouth and exploring her tiny crevice.

Sakura gave a small, breathy moan before she broke apart from the Uchiha. She grinned at him before finally letting go of his pants. "I was just _kidding_, you pervert."

Sasuke scowled.

Sakura smiled and took his hand back, swinging it back and forth, back and forth. "I want to go to the grocery store."

"I don't care."

Sakura whined. "B-But, I'm serious!"

"So am I."

"I hate you." Sakura pouted, letting his hand go.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, grabbing her hand and leading her towards the door. "The feeling's mutual."

* * *

"You need to seriously forget about the whole Neji thing." Sakura remarked. "I mean, you were the one stupid enough to dare him, and, like, I bet if he dared you to do that to Tenten or someone, you would have. Because you're an 'Oh-so-mighty-Uchiha' and you wouldn't ignore a dare."

"It's different."

"No, Sasuke, it's not." Sakura growled. "I wouldn't mind if you just went and kissed Tenten on the cheek."

Sasuke snorted. "Or lathered my tongue on her hip?"

Sakura pursed her lips and looked the other way, towards the health sections. "This way..." She muttered.

Sasuke could feel the rage that was radiating from her body.

"Why are your hands so nice and smooth, Sasuke?" She asked, changing the subject. She had been dragging him up and down the same aisle for the last 10 minutes. "Maybe we should stop buying condoms, start a family—ya' know?"

Sasuke choked on his own spit, but decided not to reply.

"You must use lotion, like that creepy guy... What was his name? Buffalo Bill?" Sakura laughed and she tried her best to impersonate said character, "_It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again_!"

"You're _so _annoying." Sasuke hissed, looking around. Pray tell he would never see any of these bystanders again.

"OH—! I know! _That's_ who it was. You're hands are nice and smooth, like my _grandmother's_." Sakura nodded to herself. "Oh... Oh God, Sasuke...your brother."

Sasuke averted his head to where Sakura was pointing, to sure enough see his brother staring relentlessly at the boxes of condoms. A brunette, who was pointing to a different box of condoms beside Itachi, was swaying his body and singing, "_Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees... Look at these!"_

"O-Oh my god..!" Sakura screamed. "Is that Neji and...—and Itachi?!" She could have sworn her heart shattered in millions of little pieces. Two lovely men, and they had a...er...thing, for one another? "Woe is me!" Sakura cried, tearing up.

And sure enough, as well, Itachi seemed to look up at the same time as Sasuke did, taking the eye contact as an invitation to converse with the couple.

"_Dayum_," Sakura moaned, "I just want to tiger pounce him and lick his face...—Hey, Itachi! Come here!" Sakura beckoned the elder Uchiha towards her and a whining Sasuke.

Itachi greeted the two, poking Sasuke on the forehead and winking at Sakura. Sakura eyed Neji, who was shifting back and forth next to Itachi. "Neji...?" Sakura said in a curious tone, before she realized Sasuke's expression. Smacking Sasuke on top of the head, Sakura glowered, "Stop that, Sasuke! Don't make him feel awkward."

"I didn't expect you to be in here, Sasuke..." Itachi chuckled, raising an eyebrow at the box of flavored condoms in Sasuke's hand. "Sakura, on the other hand, I'm surprised you're still trying to turn my brother straight. Most girls...well, actually, the lack there of, give up by...an hour."

"I think taking him to that French museum—all those nude paintings—helped me, at least the ones that were girls." Sakura laughed, hugging the raging Sasuke.

"I'm _not _gay." Sasuke hissed, boiling with fury.

Neji snorted at his comment.

Sakura smiled. "Sure you aren't."

Ignoring Sakura, Sasuke when straight to Neji. "Like you're one to talk, you fucking _hairdresser_."

"Denial is not just a river in Egypt, Sasu_gay_." Itachi smiled and patted Sakura on the head. "I'd take you home with _me_, but chances are, I'd be arrested. I can only give you my deepest sympathies and wish of luck that you get that stick out of his ass—figuratively _and _literally."

Sakura giggled.

"Fucking is correct. Your _girlfriend_, is even more correct." Neji interjected, giving a wide, toothy grin. "Secondly, I'm only here with.... I'm, well, I'm accompanying Itachi here, because I was helping him choose some better conditioner. I mean, have you _seen _his ends?! They're all split and—"

"That's enough, and anyways they aren't _that _bad." Itachi snapped, glaring at Neji.

Neji shook his head in a sympathetic manner. "Hun', you have _no_ idea."

Sasuke gave a ferocious growl, but a growing aggravated Sakura stopped him from ripping out every strand of brown locks off of the Hyuuga.

Itachi and Neji waved as they began frolicking their way out of the aisle.

"Too-da-loo, love birds!"

Sakura's jaw twitched and Sasuke's glare refused to seize.

An awkward silence greeted the couple as they searched for a new topic. Sakura opened her mouth, deciding it was up to her to help lighten the mood.

"So, wait, you really _are _gay?" Sakura asked, now confused from Itachi's declarations. "That does explain that dream I had..."

Sakura gave Sasuke a worried expression. "Sasuke, I had a dream. I dreamed of Naruto. And, well, guess what he was doing? He was doing you." Sakura began panicking, her hands pressing against her cheeks. "Sasuke, tell it to me straight. Are you, like, for _seriously_ gay?"

"God _damn_. You can never make a final decision about my orientation!" Chewing his lip and grinding his teeth, he tossed the box of condoms heedlessly onto the ground and dragged her out of the store. "Would _babies _prove my heterosexuality, _snookums_?"

A long pause drifted between the two as Sakura pondered the offer.

Instead of agreeing, she suggested something else. "You know what would prove your sexuality, more than making some love babies?"

Sasuke scoffed. "What?" He asked dryly.

"Being a hairdresser and _then _making love babies with me."

-

-

"H...— How does that work?" Sasuke asked, completely confused. "Being a hairdresser _and _making babies?"

Sakura raised a brow and with a completely serious tone, she clarified her statement.

"Well, aren't you bisexual?"

* * *

Prompts:

-(Sasuke, I had a dream. I dreamed of Naruto. Guess what he was doing? He was doing you. -_swirlsinthetrees_)  
-(Grapes. Slap-happy. "Smile, Sasuke-kun!" -**xoBreathe**)  
-("I don't smile." // "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees... Look at these!" // Nude paintings. -**Ryan-DorkFace**)  
-("He's is more feminine than me." **-HyperLemur**)  
-(Buffalo Bill - John)  
-("Uh, can you put that away?" **-faerieesque**)  
-("So, uhh... you really ARE gay??" -**Jay95**)  
-("I want to tiger pounce him, then lick his face." -**HannahsaurusRexLovesPokemon**)

**Reviews make me write! (:**

_-Accepting Prompts._

EWHH its Kenna


	5. Take 5! Kiss Me Thru the Phone!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO.**

* * *

**Kiss! Kiss! K****iss!**

* * *

**05. **Kiss me Thru the Phone

-

"_Oh_ _God_, _Sasuke_, I'm about to take my shirt off." Sakura pressed her pencil against the homework assignment, continuing her math problem and waiting for the Uchiha's reaction.

A small smirk played on her lips. She loved torturing Sasuke with her antics, always making him embarrassed and disgusted with her sexual implications. It wasn't even that she was obsessed with having sex—she's never even had sex! Oh, absolutely not. She was a good child. Her daddy's girl. She liked to keep it traditional with the whole "Wait until marriage" and "Iron hymen" thing. Heck yes, she did go with the abstinence hype. (If there ever was one...)

Well, it's not like Sasuke was going to be any good yet. She'd rather wait till he was on expert level with his sizing situation before they ever did anything, anyways.

"_Sakura, cut it out_." Sasuke scolded her on the other line of the phone.

Sakura was amused to no end. First, Sasuke was trying to study, next, she was distracting him. Oh, this was so payback for making her meet his parents. That was the most awkward thing he could have done to her. Especially when he "accidentally" spilled his wine cooler on himself and had to leave her alone with them. For about an hour. How long does it take a _normal _man to change his clothes?

Not an hour. That's for sure.

But, then again. What normal man would be sipping on a..._wine cooler_?

Er... Sakura shook the thought from her mind. Her Sasuke was absolutely, positively, _totally _100% HETEROSEXUAL. If Sasuke were to spontaneously become some insane rapist, the only gender that was prone to getting raped was women. That was a...slight relief? Whatever, it's not like she was very good with thinking of hypothetical situations anyways.

"Mmm, Sasuke," Sakura purred into the phone, her hands traveling onto her homework folder. Thankfully, she finished most of her work during Portfolio II , so she didn't have to worry about school work for the rest of the weekend. "You know you want this, _Sa-su-ke_!"

"_I hate you._" Sasuke muttered. "_This is ridiculous._"

"Oh, Sasuke you're doing _that_? Oh...gosh, well. Dang, that's..." Sakura gave a fake moan into the telephone line, and then hid behind a snicker. "...hot." She breathed crisply, setting her homework folder into her backpack. "Oh God," Sakura's cell phone vibrated. She paused to check to see who was sending her a text when she was in the middle of such important business. "Itachi... Oh, I mean Sasuke!" Sakura piped, realizing that Sasuke must have thought she was moaning his _brother's _name. Even though that wouldn't be too bad, either...

"_I'm__ hanging up now._" Sasuke hissed into the phone, waiting to see if Sakura would stop with her immature nonsense. He hears a click on her end of the line, and is curious. Did she just hang up...or—?

A burly voice. "_Uchiha. Get. Your. Ass. Over. Here. Now._"

Definitely not Sakura's.

"D-Dad! Get off the phone!" Sakura squeaked into the line.

Oh.

Dad.

Dad.

Oh.

Dad. Dad. Dad.

_Oh._

Uchiha. Get. Your. Ass. Over. Here. Now.

...shit.

* * *

-

-

-

Sakura opened the door and gave him a half smile, _trying _to be supportive. She grabbed the scowling Uchiha's hand, gave him a quick peck on the lips, and then guided him to his doom.

-

-

-

This wasn't awkward at all. Also, the aforementioned statement is what one would call "sarcasm". Sasuke Uchiha was sitting in the Haruno's living room all thanks to Sakura. Her and her _stupid _antics have yet again affected him. Sasuke was sitting next to Sakura in the love chair, while Papa Haruno was sitting across from them on a lavender couch.

Sasuke was, like usual, going to be brutally honest when he disclaimed that Mama Haruno did _not _have good taste when it came to home decor. He, being a man, even knew that lavender leather (he didn't even know that was possible) did not go with _orange_. And Orange love chairs neither went with a _lavender _couch nor a _lime green_ rug. The Uchiha concluded then and there, that if he and Sakura were to get married, they'd hire an interior decorator. Haruno's are _legit _mentally handicapped when it came to matching colors.

Sasuke finally stopped examining the room's interior designing when his eyes met Papa Haruno's. Darkened onyx met with hazel orbs. He wryly admitted to papa Haruno being a better glare-er than he. Right now, the Uchiha wanted to stab himself in the eyes right now, Sakura's father was too sketchy (and angry) for his liking.

Papa Haruno opened his mouth to start cursing the Uchiha, but thankfully Mama Haruno interrupted him. "Would anyone like some brownies?" Mama Haruno asked cheerfully. She had a wonderful smile and her eyes were gleaming with excitement.

Sasuke was about to deny her offer, until Sakura harshly elbowed him in the side. "If you know what's good for you, accept them." Sakura whispered, a warning blatant in her tone. "For all of our sakes."

"Aa." Sasuke groaned, nodding his head to Mama Haruno.

Sakura flashed the Uchiha a smile, but he returned her smile with a disapproving frown. Papa Haruno returned Sasuke's frown with an even more disapproving frown.

"So, Uchiha..." Papa Haruno hissed, catching Sasuke's attention. "How about you give a little 'Re-run' of your show, Uchiha?" The father demanded. "I mean, you did go through the "talk", right?" He asked, his glare never once ceasing from the boy. He crossed his arms and hardened his glare, waiting for the Uchiha to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness.

Per contra...

Sasuke shrugged. "It's quite alright. I don't find that a re-run would be appropriate, _Haruno_." Sasuke sighed and ignored Sakura's hand which was now pinching him. He could deal with the pink-haired girl later, Papa Haruno was the boss he had to beat at the moment.

Before Papa Haruno could retort with a rage-filled insult, Mama Haruno interrupted the conversation once again. "I'm sorry, honey!" Mama Haruno exclaimed walking out with a tray filled with abnormally gooey looking brownies. "Oh, Sasuke, I hope you don't mind! We're out of paper napkins..." Sasuke could care less, but a slight concern grew when he saw the woman's hand shoot up. She was holding a small, cylindrical white object and she finally asked, "...will toilet paper be alright?"

Sasuke choked on his saliva.

"Oh, mommy. That sounds wonderful!" Sakura smiled, patting Sasuke's thigh. "Sasuke here _loves_ toilet paper."

Papa Haruno patted on a cushion beside him ushering for his wife to sit down. Mama Haruno set down the tray of brownies on the centered coffee table and followed her husband's gestures with a broad smile.

Papa Haruno faked a cough to get both Sakura's and Sasuke's undivided attention. His eyes still staring blatantly at Sasuke, he finally spoke up. "Uchiha, I demand that you talk sex in front of my family, just like you did with my daughter."

And Sasuke thought _Sakura _was weird? The whole Haruno family was strange. The father was a sociopath, the mother was a _Stepford Wife_, and Sakura...was just Sakura. Sasuke gagged at the thought of having Mama Haruno and Papa Haruno as in-laws.

The things you did for love.

"I have no idea what you are talking about." Sasuke growled, a warning to drop the subject was obvious. Like hell he was going to have a sex talk in front of the whole family. First of all, _Sakura _was the only one that was talking like that. Secondly, he didn't _do _sex talking.

"Well, I'm pretty sure "Oh god, Sasuke!" and "You're touching WHAT?!" Actually would qualify as a sex talk."

Sasuke's fist tightened. He abhorred Sakura for this. _Abhorred_. (And that word's not in your typical "hate-filled" dictionary.) "Listen, I am not going to do what you're telling me to do. You are misconstruing the conversation."

"You _will_ do it."

"I called her on the phone and she touched herself." Sasuke spat. "It's not like I would even _have _to say anything for a woman to think of me in that way." A smug smirk replaced his frown. "Like I said, I didn't say anything that would even _related _to talking sex."

Papa Haruno stiffened, his hand reaching into his pocket. Withdrawing a rag, he stood up and walked over to the love chair that the couple was sitting in. Hovering above Sasuke, Papa Haruno stood there, arms crossed, and in his right hand, holding a rag. A deathly glare continued to empower the two, and finally he coolly demanded, "How about you smell this, Uchiha."

Sakura grabbed Sasuke's hand, making sure the Uchiha didn't do anything drastic to her father.

"I assure you that the chloroform won't be the cause of your '_oh-so-tragic_' death." Papa Haruno hissed, shoving the burgundy rag at Sasuke's face.

The Uchiha swiftly dodged it, gripping Sakura's father's wrist to avoid any further assault with the rag.

"DAD!" Sakura cried, swatting the father's hand away. "Stop it!"

"Oh, God. Sakura!" Sasuke cried. "That feels so good. What are you wearing right now? Oh? That's hot. Take off your shirt. That's wonderful. Just like that. I'm touching my...chest, right now. What color is your bra? Really?" Sasuke spat lie after lie. If the man wanted him to sex talk in front of him, he goddamn would (at least, to avoid getting choloroformed). "I love the fact that _my _clan's symbol is on your underwear. I also _love _the fact that you are moving in with me so we don't have to do this over the phone anymore." Maybe he didn't _completely _lie.

Papa Haruno stopped, his jaw dropped, and he stared wide-eyed at the Uchiha. "Y-You... YOU HAVE A VILE MOUTH UCHIHA!" Papa Haruno screamed, hulking out.

"NOOOO! PAPA!" Sakura screamed.

It all happened in slow motion:

A burgundy rag.

A raging Papa Haruno.

A horror-struck Sakura.

Mama Haruno eating a self-proclaimed brownie.

And then...

Sasuke Uchiha's world went black.

* * *

-

-

-

Sasuke's eyes shot open and he bounced up, abruptly becoming aware of his surroundings. A sigh of relief escaped his lips when he was in his own bed, goddamn what a dream.

Now it all made sense.

A sketchy Papa Haruno with a rag of chloroform attacking him, a creepy Mama Haruno making what seemed like radioactive-brownies. Sakura's parents surely weren't that insane.

Lifting his right palm up, the Uchiha wiped the perspiration from his brows and let out a sigh of relief. He needed to rinse his face off before he went back to bed. He rolled to the side of the bed and stood up. His ears perked when he heard a soft _thud_, pausing, he looked to the ground to see a small box covered with what looked like old Christmas wrapping paper. Eyeing the object suspiciously, the Uchiha picked it up.

Did Sakura get into his house and leave him an early birthday gift? That seemed rather suspicious, but nonetheless seemed Sakura-like.

He neatly undid the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper and stared at the box of condoms in his hands.

On the box, in permanent marker was written:

_If I have bratty-assed, horndogged grandchildren like you, I WILL CUT YOU. - Papa-in-law Haruno_

* * *

Prompts:

-(Rerun. Cut it out. -**littlefreakshow**)  
-("You did go through the "talk", right?"** -HyperLemur**)  
-(Brownies & Wrapping Paper -**gud days r never mine**)  
-(Condom. -Katie)  
-(Toilet paper // Phone sex // "Oh god Itachi... I mean Sasuke!" **-memepungu**)  
-("I called her on the phone and she touched herself" -**MyUsedRomance**)  
-("Smell this" -**Ryan-DorkFace**)

**Reviews make me write! (:**

_-Accepting Prompts._

EWHH its Kenna


	6. Take 6! The Fire of My Loins (Pt 1)!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO.**

**Warning:** /_Major_ Crack/. I mean every chapter is so whatever; but, this one...this one is just absurd.

* * *

**Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!**

* * *

**06. **The Fire of my Loins (Pt. I)

...

Sakura hated her life. Officially.

There were two reasons for this:

Firstly, Sasuke had been gone for what seemed like _eternity_—though, in reality, it was probably only like two months. Or, something like that. Who knows.

Do you know how long an eternity is without the love of your life?

A really, really long-ass time.

That meant it was a long-ass time without holding his gross clammy hand, because for some reason he was always nervous or something (she didn't get it at all, but she wasn't going to complain if Sasuke Uchiha was actually holding her hand). This meant that she was rid the opportunity of being able to whine in a piercing (screeching), sensual tone "Sasuke-_kuuuuun_" in efforts to be spoiled with lavish treats (aka. food—she _lived _for food; and Sasuke, obviously...but she had her priorities.). And, most importantly, this meant that she had to spend an eternity without being able to give her macho manly-man wet smooches.

_Fuck._

And, _secondly_, this:

...

It had started out as a normal, wonderful, crisp, breezy day. The birds were flying about gaily in the air, chirping their bright, cheery tune of "Oh my god I love nature;" the deer were frolicking about the lovely land of Konohagakure; and candy-filled rainbows were shooting out of all of the merry buck's antlers. Everything was swell and dandy. (Well, maybe her descriptions of the ambiance were a little…er, over-exaggerated; but, regardless it was a nice fucking day.)

That was until…_she_ came along.

All of a sudden (D:) the rainbows disappeared and the deers and birds were sucked into another dimension by mortifying demon tentacles (Aka. Some guy with a swirly mask—no need for spoilers, children) that shot boiling magma. Lightening was flashing, a massive vortex (worm-hole) appeared sucking away all the happiness, and the ground was cracking, parting ways. (So, maybe over-exaggeration was Sakura's forte. At least she could say she was a virtuoso of bore-geous writing.)

Out of the new opening in the Earth sprouted her best friend.

Correction: her _mad_ best friend.

Wrath radiated from those vermilion claws of hers and death was bored via her eyes. Her chest heaved up and down and demonic smoke poured like a thrashing waterfall from her nose.

Sakura, fear-induced, was beginning to spin on her heel to burst into a sprint. If she was quick enough, Sakura would be able to escape before that…that _succubus_ noticed—

"Sakura, tell me what's going on. Now!" Ino demanded as she placed her hands (claws) on her hips. (Sakura could see the fire that was ablaze behind Ino, filled with dead birds and ravaged deer and black rainbows and lost sunshine.)

Sakura sighed and crossed her arms.

Two could play at this game. She didn't have to reveal anything to that _pig_. Not a single word. Her decision was made to out-stubborn Ino.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sakura shrugged, feigning innocence. Her shining beryl chasms pleaded for Ino to believe her extremely well-knit lie; of course, though, it didn't work. Ino stomped up to the pink-haired girl, huffing and puffing and growling, readying to beret the pink-haired woman her with utter disappointment.

The blonde pointed a finger at Sakura and gave her an accusatory look. "You _know_ I hate when you leave me in the dark about things!" Ino hissed. "So you're going to tell me why you've been acting so strange lately."

Sakura's eyes narrowed.

One thing that Sakura was good at was playing innocent.

"Whatso_ever_ are you talking about, _Pig_?"

"You know what I mean!"

"I do not."

Or, well, she _thought_ she was good at playing innocent; but, she reluctantly admitted she couldn't be good at everything. (She snorted at the thought—_yeah right_.)

"Aha! Your nostrils just flared—you're lying!" Ino exclaimed, raising her pointer finger to Sakura's nose. Sakura yanked her head back, distancing herself from Ino and her blasphemously accusing finger. Her apple-green eyes narrowed at the blonde friend in front of her.

"They did not!" Sakura replied, defensively—she was slightly offended too, she highly doubted flaring nostrils was a very attractive feature. "I was just taking a deep breath—it _was_ a beautiful, serene day until you got here; and, I was trying to enjoy it. Sue me."

"Sakura, it's another shitty day in Konoha. It's humid and gross out, plus it's cloudy. _And_, to top off those already stunning qualities, there's no breeze." Ino stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "So, I _know_ your nose _did_ flare. Now, tell me: what's wrong?"

Sakura's expression was growing more and more frustrated by the minute. She knew that she needed to admit defeat, because Ino would find any way to counterpoint her lies—and, Sakura was an awful liar to begin with. She sighed. _It was a lost battle from the beginning_, she thought.

Curse her and her flaring nostrils.

"Fine," Sakura mumbled, admitting to her defeat. She gave Ino a wry, disdainful look when she saw that damned triumphant grin appearing on those shamefully glittery lips of Ino's. Sakura eyed Ino's lips warily, they were..._too_ sparkly—too sparkly to where, in the right lighting, the lip gloss blinded any poor onlooker. As a mark of revenge, she would refuse to inform Ino of this detail. _Take that! _Sakura thought, pleasingly. _Next time Ino goes on a mission, shes going to give away their position._ She snorted to herself, _Or blind their attacker._ Sakura bathed in this revelation, _Whatever. __I'm a smarter ninja. __  
_

"So, anyyyyywaaaaaaay..." Sakura hummed. "I think I might have a crush on someone..."

"Sakura, you've been dating Sasuke for five months—I'm pretty sure that it's more than a crush by now."

Sakura gave Ino a despondent look, before her expression turned somber.

Silence filtered between the two women.

Ino looked at her, blankly.

Sakura then averted her eyes to the right, trying to spot out anything that wasn't blonde and glimmering and blue. She conveniently began staring at an old hermit scratching (picking) his nose. She found it absolutely repulsive (her being a hygienic freak and all), yet Sakura bathed in the _worn_ beauty of this old, crusty man versus her friend's impending realization.

Widening sapphire eyes and a dropping jaw was the next sight that Sakura was greeted with. Ino had jumped in front of the man Sakura had been so wistfully watching and was now right in front of the pink-haired girl's face. "Oh my..." Ino breathed, her hands were beginning to twitch—readying themselves to outrageously flail about.

Ino would most likely defend to her death that it was a very calm, collected question.

It wasn't.

"OHHHHHHHH MY GOD!" She shrieked in hysteria, "WHO. IS. IT?"

Sakura rushed to put her hand over Ino's mouth, shushing the blonde's sudden (completely called for) outburst. "Shut the hell up, Ino!

"You don't think this is frustrating enough? Now I have to worry about you and that flapping thing you call a 'mouth' babbling to the entire bar next time you get drunk." Sakura growled defensively, trying to subtly change the topic.

"_Excuse me_, this flapping _thing_ I call a mouth is very tight-sealed," Ino had to pause a moment and glare when Sakura let out an ungraceful snort. "Alright, well, guy's _love_ my mouth regardless of its banter—"

"Oh the talents of Yamanaka Ino…" Sakura mused, quite loudly, actually.

Ino sent a deadly glare to her friend. "I see what you're doing, Billboard Brow—stop changing the subject!"

"Fine," Sakura huffed. She looked away again; and finally sighed. "It's just… I don't know what to do, Ino!" Sakura exclaimed, throwing her hands up to shield her face.

She didn't want to face the world.

"I'm getting so _bored_ with Sasuke!" Frustration emanated through her tone. "He's _always_ so busy and I haven't seen him in _forever_—"

"Sakura, he's been gone for three days." Ino deadpanned, rolling her eyes. Sakura was just being over-dramatic and love-sick, so it probably wasn't anything to worry about. When Sasuke came back, she would be head over heels and in love with him again.

"—and Kakashi-sensei is just so fucking _hot_ and—"

"Wait…— Did you just say _Kakashi_-_sensei_?" Ino blurted out, a gasp escaping her lips. Ino's eyebrows raised and the world stopped moving. Actually, it probably spun off its axis, and this was probably the point where the cracks deepened and the entirety of the once lovely town of Konohagakure was sucked into that black abyss of Hell that Ino had earlier erupted from.

Meh.

Either or.

"_Ino_, shut up!" Sakura growled, hushing the blonde haired friend. "I will seriously dismember you if you say one word—"

She was cut off in her threat.

The woman shook her head. Her thoughts were so jumbled, rambling on and on, she didn't even know where to begin. "I can't believe you. That's so inappropriate, Sakura!"

Sakura eyes averted down to stare at the ground in shame. She just _knew_ that Ino would say something like that. And, well, hearing it made her day even worse. Now, not only had Sasuke been gone for an eternity (two months or three days or whatever—_same_ thing) and her secret been revealed, but now she was also being reprimanded.

"That's so _kinky_." Ino squealed giddily, giggling like a school girl. "I can't believe I never even thought about Kakashi-sensei like that. He's _so _hot! All this time, I was going after Genma—shame on me." She nodded her head, approvingly. "Well, damn, Sakura. Even I would hit that. I would _gladly_ hit that. Many times. It's like a super, and I mean _super_, sexy grandpa or something—"

Sakura almost choked on her breath. She wasn't the only one? Ah, thank the Gods! But, that didn't help her solve anything.

"Grandpa? Ino he's only like a couple years older than I am."

Ino rolled her eyes—there that girl went with her over-exaggeration again. "He's _fourteen_ years your senior, Sakura."

It was then that Sakura deemed herself a savant of rationalization.

"Well, he's been twenty-four in my book for about ten years now. So it's basically the same thing."

"That's the most illogical—"

"_Ino_, that's not the point!" Sakura huffed, pouting before lazily sagging her shoulders in disappointment. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it," Sakura cried. "Maybe I'm just some nympho or something—Oh Gods, if I was a nympho, how could Sasuke ever love me?"

Ino didn't know whether or not that was a rhetorical question; so, she decided it was best not to answer.

Her mind was wheeling down a slippery slope of hypothetical misery. It was almost similar to the eruption of hell that had eaten all of the hypothetical singing birds and rainbow spewing deer, albeit a little less…dramatic.

"OK, listen, Sakura." Ino said, clearing her throat. "I don't know why you always like to put yourselves in these positions—playing with fire, that is…but, I don't think you should go after this one." Ino suggested. "Sasuke will be back tomorrow night and then everything will be fine—"

"No, Ino!" Her head was shaking violently side-to-side to emphasize how much her friend just _didn't_ understand. If she had feelings for Kakashi, she had to know if they were true, because TRUE LOVE ALWAYS PREVAILED. Sakura was baffled by the fact that Ino didn't get that. It was blatant life lesson that everyone learned throughout their years in the ninja academy. Sakura whined, "It _won't_ be. It won't be fine, because I like _Kakashi-sensei_." She paused for a minute, tapping her bottom lip. "I think."

Ino rolled her eyes. "You _think_?" She sighed, "Sakura, this is one of those things that, oh, you know—you need to be _sure _about."

Sakura snorted, "well, _duuuuh._

"I can't be sure about this type of thing unless I kiss the guy, Ino. You already know that." Sakura stated this as though it was common knowledge—in her mind, everyone shared this similar prerequisite for determining their future life partners.

"You are terrible, you know?" Ino laughed. "Terrible, irrational, and naïve."

Okay, Sakura would willingly admit to the being terrible and naïve; however, considering she had already deemed herself a savant of rationality, she was absolutely _not_ irrational. All of the things that have built-up her potential feelings towards Kakashi made total sense.

He was really hot.

So, it made total sense.

He was mysterious, too, or whatever. (Not like that really mattered, but adding a second quality made her sound less..._fickle_.)

She bit her lip.

"Listen, if I kiss Kakashi and sparks fly and I want to bone him in nearest available area—be it public or not—then I must really like him; _aaaaaand_," she dragged out the conjunction for several seconds, "if I kiss him and it's just whatever, then I'm probably not that into him. Kissing's a very big thing with boys—" Sakura scrunched her nose. "I _hate_ bad kissers."

"Sakura—" Ino paused and let out and exasperated sigh. Sakura may always lose when it came to having to confess her secrets to Ino; but, Ino _always_ lost when it came to Sakura's obdurateness. Ino was tempted to warn her that _of course_ Kakashi was a good kisser—it was a simple formula: multiply all of the talk in the women's bathhouse (experience) by the man's age. Knowing her pink-haired friend all too well, Ino knew that Sakura was bound to become confused with her feelings if she was to kiss Kakashi, because she believed in her whole "love at first really amazing, super hot, knee-weakening, heartstring-tugging kiss"  
ideal. And, Kakashi would surely be able to give her that—Ino's face scrunched inwards for a short moment at the realization—_and _more.

The girl was an idiot, albeit her innocent romantic intentions.

"He wears a mask," Ino chastised, trying to sway her best friend from making yet another irrational decision, "how is he supposed to be a good kisser?"

Sakura shrugged. "I don't know, it doesn't matter—I'm sure he'll figure _something _out." A shine accumulated in Sakura's eyes, one which sparkled with fascination and adoration, excitement and anticipation. A grin, one stretching further than that of Naruto when he received an '_all-you-can-eat-for-a-day'_ Ichiraku pass, played on her plump lips. She breathed, " Do you know what they say about men that wear masks, Ino?"

"Do tell, Sakura."

It was Sakura's matter-of-fact tone that worried her the most. "They have really big wieners, Ino."

Ino gagged.

She had to get a hold of Sasuke.

"Like, _super_ big."

_Right away_.

"Just be a safe pyro," Ino said, lazily, as she began trying to formulate a plan to get a hold of Sasuke_ as soon as possible_. "Don't cry to me when you get burnt by this fire—I'm sure it will be a big one."

"Ino, don't be silly. It's a _figurative _fire, not a real one," Sakura agreed, cheesing like no tomorrow.

"What are you talking about?"

Sakura's eyes closed and she smiled, her tongue partially sticking out.

"The raging fire in my loins."

* * *

**PROMPTS: **

-(Thin Air – Be a safe pyro!)  
**-(MyKyo **- "Damn...Even I would hit that")  
**-(Bloocheeze** - sexy grandpa)  
-(Guest - i will seriously dismember you! / you are terrible, you know? / suck it.)  
-(SakiHaruno – Sakura kissing someone else)

...

**Reviews make me write! (:**

_-Accepting Prompts._

_..._

EWHH its Kenna


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